Still bringing me down...

I hate that you are materialistic, I hate that you only think and care about money, I hate that you try to be my dad. You aren't. You never will be. I've done my best to try and keep you happy, but I don't get why I continue to do this, when I don't get any of that in return. If you respected me the way you should, you would not be doing some of the shit that you are. I'm sorry you don't have kids of your own, but seriously, it's just annoying that you're trying to take the place of the man that I'm closest with in my life. I hate that you have done this to him. I hate that you always talk shit on him. YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW HIM. You and my mom are the problem. You always have been. You lied to the court, and you were the cause of him going into debt. Now, he doesn't have the stability to change it. Mom, don't deny it. You fucked him over. And you're still trying to get me to hate him. It's ridiculous. It's like, you're so insecure about yourself that the only way you'll be happy is if you get us to hate him. That's not right. Do you think I like being put in the situation to take sides? You're BOTH my parents. I'm not going to. I can make my own choices on who I want in my life. And I don't think I should look up to you for "guidance". You haven't been the best role model for me. You're hypocritical and so fucking self-centered. You cheated and kicked him out. How can you sit there and be so happy with your life with the knowledge of breaking someone's heart, and completely crushing him down into the gutter? He's never been able to recover from that, and now, he has Josh and I. And even now, you try to brainwash and manipulate us into hating him, for something that YOU did. It's not fair to him, nor me. This always happens. It seems like you try to take away the most important things in my life. I don't care about money. I never have. I don't care about having nice things. It would be nice, don't get me wrong, but I could live without them. All I want is happiness. And to be completely honest, I haven't been happy in this house. I never have. I have all the nice things and money, and it's gotten me nowhere. You say you did this "for us". No, you did this for yourself, because if you did this for us, you wouldn't have put me through all this heartache of a fucked up family. I think it's sad that they are willing to forgive you for every fucked up thing you've done to them, yet you're too stubborn to work things out and you won't grow the balls to even talk to him. Please be the grown up for once in your life and take responsibility for your actions, and end this. I'm so sick of the same shit every day.

I love you. But seriously, I can't be okay with you until you end this...

Emmerzon,

I love your smile.
I love your retardedness when you're around me.
I love when you sing to me.
I love that you took a chance with me.
I love listening to the recordings of you that I have in my phone.
I love that I miss you even if it's only been like 5 minutes.
I love that you're the only thing I can think of during class.
I love seeing that I have a text from you.
I love hearing "baby answer your phone" at 3 o'clock in the morning, even when I'm dead asleep.
I love when you wake me up, and then fall asleep on me.
I love your hair. Looks amazing all the time. Never fails.
I love making babies... without making babies.
I love that you can always brighten a room, just in an instant.
I love that you always find a way to be happy with life.
I love that NOBODY can ever be as amazing to me, as you have been.
I love that I learn new things about you every day.
I love that you care.
I love that you're optimistic.
I love that you love animals just about as much as I do.
I love looking around and comparing our relationship to other couples. Ours always wins.
I love every hickey you've ever given me. Including the one on my face haha.
I love that we can sing together.
I love that you live in the moment, and don't care what other people think.
I love that you always smell good.
I love the way you walk.
I love the way you stand when you're talking. Haha, that's right baby, I notice these things.
I love when you get all dressed up.
I love that I don't have to try when I'm around you.
I love wearing your shirts... and boxers.
I love looking around in stores and picking out what would look good on you.
I love when you wear flannel.
I love your phrases and stuff like that.
I love that you think I look better without make-up.
And I love that you get mad when I do wear it.
I love your naked body :D
I love when you come up and cuddle with me when i'm sleeping.
I love cuddling with you in general.
I love noticing every single thing about you.
I love that you have a HUGE heart.
I love that you don't judge me... or anyone else for that matter.
I love that you really truly think you're gonna end up with Christina Aguilera.
I love that you got me to fucking LOVE her though.
I love staying out with you all night.
I love that you've seen me at my worst, and don't care.
I love your impatientness when you're driving.
But I love that you have the patience to put up with me.
I love when you cook me breakfast.
I love when we realize we have the smallest things in common.
I love when you get excited about something.
I love when you and I just sit there and stare at each other.
I love that when I have something to tell, you're the first one I think of going to.
I love how much you care for little kids.
I love when we take freakin 2am del taco runs.
I love waking up next to you.
I love every single inch of you.
I love how our hands fit perfectly.
I love the way you look when you're thinking about something.
I love the way you look when you play the piano.
I love that I can trust you.
I love that you tell me everything.
I love that I can tell YOU everything.
I love when you get jealous. I totally know what you meant by that.
I love meeting all of your friends. I can't wait for you to meet mine, fucker.
I love that you're the ONLY person I love doing sexual things to.
I love that you're MINE.
I love taking shots with you :)
I love shotgunning.
I love seeing you on stage. Acting and singing.
I love your hopes and dreams.
I love that you always get sick... and then OD on medicine and talk like a crazy person.
I love knowing that you're always gonna be there for me.
I love that I can tell if something is wrong even if you don't say it.
I love seeing your face before class.
I love the way you express yourself through music.
I love seeing you happy when you're with your friends.
Haha, and I LOVE when you see someone for the first time in a long time and you freak out.
I love that you are an individual. You really don't conform... at all.
I love the fact that you can keep me this crazy about you.
I love that you STILL give me butterflies every single time I see you.
I love looking forward to trying everything with you.
I love that you can make creme brulee ;)
I love that you and I can be fattys together!
I love how you get soo into character when you imitate someone.
I love how much closer we get after we fight.
I love that you care for others more than yourself.
I love talking to you on the phone for hours and hours, and it never gets boring... unless you get on the computer.
I love the look that you have that just screams "SEX".
I love that I'm always so open with you.
I love that you inspire me. Betcha didn't know what.
I love that you can act like a kid, but when the occasion calls for it, you can be mature.
I love when you drive over to my house and make me come outside to come walk you in.
I love when you just say "bebeh" and nothing else.
I love that you can ALWAYS make me laugh.
I love your stories. My favorite- When your hand attacked you.
I love that you can keep me grounded. I don't know if you realize it, but you do.
I love and hate that fact that you always keep me waiting by the phone.
I love when you hold my hand.
I love that you always have chapstick on-hand.
I love that you always look so... amazing.
I love that you are always positive.
I love that you can sing any Michael Buble song, PERFECT!
I love your style.
I love your eyes.
I love dreaming about you.
I love waking up with you on my mind.
I love every second were together.
I love that you want me to yourself. Tushe!
I love when you kiss me.
I love when you fucking rape me. Hahahah ;)
I love the way you touch me.
I love that you always get horny, even when I'm not even trying to get you horny.
I love that I think of you every time I listen to Jason Reeves and Colbie Callait.
I love that "Magic" explains you perfectly.
I love that every love song explains you perfectly.
I love that we can never get bored of each other, and we always have epic moments together.
I love just laying in bed ALL DAY with you.
I love when you tell me you love me.
I love that you make me love you.
I love that you are PERFECT.
I love that you're flawless.
I love everything that you do.
I love everything you say.
I love everything about you.
I love that I can't live without you.
I love that you're the only person I feel this way about.
I love YOU.

Still got 'em.

Oh Alicia Keys...

"Lately when I look into your eyes I realize
You're the only one I need in my life
Baby I just don't know how to describe
How lovely you made me feel inside

You give me butterflies
Got me flying so high in the sky
I can't control the butterflies

You give me butterflies
Got me flying so high in the sky
I can't control the butterflies

It seems like the light you give
From the start you told me I would be your queen
But never had I imagined such a feeling
Joy is what you bring
I want to give you everything

You give me butterflies
Got me flying so high in the sky
I can't control the butterflies

You give me butterflies
Got me flying so high in the sky
I can't control these butterflies

You and I are destiny
I know now you were made for me

Oh oh ooh
I can't control it
It's driving me
Taking me over

You give me butterflies
Got me flying so high in the sky
I can't control the butterflies

You give me butterflies
Got me flying so high in the sky
I can't control the butterflies"

Update?

I swear, every time I listen to Charlotte O'Connor, I wanna write. I literally get a natural high from her music. It's amaaazingness! But anyways, I really can't think of another way to explain my mood, rather than to just leave it at contentment. Finally, I feel super good about everything! I'm way stoked on life. Haha, and there's really no particular reason for it. Haha. Christmas was pretty good. I didn't really ask for anything, so I got some random stuff. I'm diggin mostly every thaaang. It's weird how you can be sooo excited for Christmas, and now, the older we get, the less exciting it gets. It's gay!

But anyways...

Sooo, recap! Freakin Monday night, man! That shit was intense. Hahah.
So much fun! Ah! Hahah, and so much happened. It's fantastic. I mean, the three amigas were established. Ha, they are craaazy bitches! I love it.
Everything was going good, except for the whole drama part.
I don't know why, but I'm kinda bummin about that whole thing.
You'd think I'd be all hyped about it... nah. Didn't work out that way. I really hate making people cry. I will admit, it was shit that did need to be said, and I will admit, it wasn't the right time and place, but it's over and done with. I kinda regret being such a bitch, cause it's all emotional and whatever, but at the same time, what was said, was the truth. So I guess in that sense, it was good? Ha, I'm a fucking mad-man. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. Haha. But basically, I'm glad everything is settled.
FINALLY.
Been waitin' for that shizzz since day one! Haha.

Well, let's see...this is where my bitch-ass-ness takes over...
I think that people need to a little more respectful to people in relationships.
I don't get why people think it's okay to go and try to talk you into breaking up with someone because "it's not gonna last". Did I ask you, NO. Did you think I wanna hear something like that, NO. I don't think he gets it. I'm happy. I used to feel the same think about him, and I guess we were in opposite situations, and he stuck with his girlfriend, so I moved on. He better not even think he can come back and try to mess the one thing that's most important to me, up. Seriously, I've never been happier, and I think it's really rude that he would say shit like that to me. Maybe I'm over reacting, but I'm a big girl. I can handle my boyfriend and our relationship on my own thank you. Haha. FUCKERS! I swear, it never ends.

BUT ANYWAYS... in better news...
I'm gonna go call my man candy of a boyfriend...


YAY! :)

I realized

I'm completely out of my mind... and it feels fantastic.

Yeeeeee! I'm excited for tonight, and Christmas, and new years!
Break is gonna be AMAZING :)

Something we didn't finish last night.

I'm trying to respect your friends, I really am. But seriously, you think I can do more when I'm put into that situation. But I can't. Because whenever I am put into that situation, it's just awkward and uncomfortable for me. I hate it. And to be completely honest, when you're with them, I feel that if I try to go over and kiss you and whatnot, I'm just annoying you. So, I don't really know what else to do. I mean, I'm not mad. I just feel that you would rather spend more time with them, rather than me. It just sucks that this is STILL happening. I don't really know what else to say, because you already know how I feel about this, and there is nothing else I really can say. I don't wanna make you mad either. I just want to make you understand how I feel when you do stuff like that. It is the little things like that, that bother me. I just feel like sometimes, I'm unimportant. I don't wanna be annoying, and I don't wanna make this seem like I'm immature, cause I'm not. It's just that it really chaps my ass when this constantly keeps happening. You're my first legit relationship, and I really don't want to lose it. I hate having to put up with the same shit like this, especially when it happens like once a week. I love having you in my life. You have literally had one of the biggest impacts on me. Both good and bad. And I want you to know that I love you. I know this is what I always freak out about, but if you know it's something that bothers me, why do you keep doing it?

I hate biiitches!
Seriously, fuck them in the asshole twice.

I'm not mad at you at all baby. You are fucking amazing. It's just... I feel like I have to complete with these people, and I shouldn't have to feel like that. I'm your girlfriend, and these fuckers need to realize it.

Blah blah blah :)

Yay! New post! Okiesss, where do I begin? Well, this past week has been kind of nuts. I think I felt emotions that I didn't know I had. Relationships are full of SO many surprises. Many that you aren't very fond of, and others that you totally love. I've had my share of both this week. Ha. I'm not gonna sit here and explain, cause quite frankly, it's none of your damn business. Cause I know I'm not the only that's gonna be reading this. Haha. Anyways. So, this is something that's been on my mind for years. I used to be so afraid of fighting. I would always try to not confront people, and just let it go by... but why? Fighting is one of the greatest forms of love ever to reach the face of this earth. It's amazing. If you didn't care, you wouldn't fight. Haha, and baby... we've had our share of fights. But honestly, I love it. I love the fighting...sometimes. I mean, it can be completely ridiculous at times. But I think in the end, we became sooo much closer. So, this worked out for the better. Hopefully this whole "situation" isn't gonna be brought up again. Oh man, i fucking hope it doesn't. Ah! Which brings me to my next point. Bitches. Annoying, deceiving, conniving, selfish, uncaring, two-faced, fake bitches man. WTF!? Ha, really... ? I've never had to deal with anything or anyone like her, or should I say "it"? Cause she means nothing more than an it to me. Seriously. So... let me rephrase this... I've never had to deal with it before. And it's definitely not an easy thing to have to face. I really don't like being mean to people, but when the occasion calls for it, I can be the biggest one you've ever met. IF you've done something to deserve, which IT has. Deliberately trying to steal a guy away from someone else is not only fucked up, but the way you go about it, is (i think) totally pathetic. So, get over it! Ugh! He's happy. At least, I hope he is. I do my best to keep him happy. And I mean, I get the fact that you are friends, and I totally respect that, but how can I trust it with the knowledge of knowing its feelings for him? I trust him! Oh, believe me. I trust him with everything in my heart. Especially cause I was blessed enough to snatch a guy who is faithful and tells his girlfriend everything! That's one other thing I completely love about him. Anyways! (I always get so damn side-tracked when I start talking about him!) But Basically, just saying, my emotions are just wrapped up in this along with everyone else and it sucks. It sucks balls. However, I can totally say right now... Everything is fine. No one is severely injured... yet. And no one will be... UNLESS you don't just do the simple task of backing off :) Thank you very much! That would be greatly appreciated. Ha. Ugh, this whole topic bugs me. So, fuck it. I'm over those shenanigans. I would just like to go live and love my man in peace. Ha, that's all I want. All I ask for. All I need, really. Santa? C'mon, help me out a little. Haha. Anywhore! At least I can finally say, I'm completely happy again. And honestly, I can say he's the only one who can bring it upon me. Ha, I don't know what the fuck he does! But he does it! And i'm left just completely... in something more than lust? I think so. I totalllllllllly think so! Ha, that's the pickle I'm in momentarily. Cause I know I've never felt the things I feel now with anyone else. But, who knows ;) I'm just gonna give it time. That's all we can really do right? Just give it time. BUT, I'm proud to say that I'm happy he's MINE. Mineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemine. Well, that's my share of emotions for the evening. Hope you enjoyed them. Haha. The only thing that sucks is that I'm not gonna see him for like... 9 hours. Oh well, "i like missing you". Hahah :D

"It's just enough to be addicted"

Ya know, I'm lucky to have what I have right now. I'm with a boy who makes me happier than ever! I can kiss that kid for hours on end. I hate the days where we don't see each other. I hate the days when he takes FOREVER to text me back. I hate the days when he doesn't sing to me. I hate... Okay seriously, I've never felt so crazy about someone. He literally has me waiting by the phone every single day, and every time I hear the "baby answer your phone" ringtone, or see that I have a text from him, I get so hyped and can't help but have a permanent smile tattood on my face. And every time I see him for the first time everyday, my heart just fills with butterflies and I totally forget the fact that it's school, and I have to go to class. Cause I hate waiting for another hour to see his faceee. It's kind of ridiculous. Ha, i actually didn't think it was possible to be this s-p-r-u-n-g about someone. The first day that he came over, we spent like 9 hours just talking, and I knew that he was different. He's not just some guy I would date for a week and dump. There was something that I wanted so badly to strive and find. I wanted to know everything about him. His thoughts, his feelings, his past experiences. Everything. (ha, not to sound like a stalker or anything) And then a few days later, he asked me the best 5 words ever "will you be my girlfriend?"And in that second, my heart melted. But seriously, now, each day I find myself falling for him more and more. I love the whole "and I get to kiss you baby just because I can" thing I got going on. I adore him with everything in my heart. I want to give him everything. If it was possible, I'd give him the world. Ah! I really didn't think I could find anyone as amazing as he is. Seriously, all the so called "imperfections" in his eyes and mind, are all the things that make up his perfections in mine. I love falling asleep in his arms and waking up next him. I love knowing that he's mine. Everyone wants him, yes I know, and ya know what? I think it actually makes me happier knowing I have something that nobody else can have :) It's a good feeling. Haha. It's kinda crazy, because I could keep writing about the things that make me go crazy for him, but if I did that, I'd be writing until tomorrow. God, I just love every feeling, touch, and tingle he has given me. I can honestly say, I've never listened to a song more than I've listened to Magic. I've never enjoyed so many love songs than I do now. And I've never felt anything close to what I feel when I'm with him. I'm addicted to your touch, your laugh, your smile, your clothes, your singing, your perfections, your hand in mine, your hair, your eyes, your body, everything. You make me go crazy baby. I love it.